Thou shalt not…?
For as long as I could remember, religion and I never really had a good relationship. It seemed to work quite nicely for some; such as rattling off bible verses like a well-trained parrot at Sunday School or extreme concentration during boring, lengthy sermons while maintaining the most pious expressions of interest.
I, on the other hand, for the life of me couldn’t remember any of the Ten Commandments, let alone concentrate for more than 10 minutes into the sermon. I had resigned to the fact that I was going to die (probably a nasty, painful death as a result of all my wicked evil ways) and go straight to hell. No one could save me. Not even Jesus. From the time I was a child, I lived in constant fear of death and condemnation as a result of my inability to live up to the types of religious behavior that were expected of me. I would wake up daily, wondering in which manner I was going to die or as a result of my depressed mindset, how I could even end my own life. I wanted to die, all the time, every single day.
A loser for life
To be honest, I had no reason to live. Throughout school I was constantly told that I was a “failure” and “had no hope.” Never really good at anything; sports or academics (in fact, I failed every single Maths paper I ever sat for), the only subject I liked was English and the only extra curricular activity I was averagely good at was Classical Ballet. By a stroke of pure luck (now looking back, it was divinely ordained) I got into the University of Colombo to study for a Degree in English Literature. Me. Considered to be one of the stupidest kids in the class, with no hope of any kind of future. By God’s grace, I was not only competing with some of the brightest students in the country, I was even scoring better than some of them.
From Dud to Degree Holder
During my last year of university, I was in a bad relationship and a really bad place. All the years I had studied came to a standstill when I sat for all my final exams, not having studied at all and not having answered all the questions on the paper. If there were a total of 3 questions to be answered, I would have written only 1 ½. Thankfully, it was around this time that I found God again. Or rather, He found me. But, it was still through the spectacles of harsh, crippling religion that only looked at the outward behavior, never at the heart. Final results came, and I expected to have flunked every single subject. It was inevitable after all. How can you pass an exam after having answered only half a question? 9 A’s and 2 B+’s. I left University with an Honors Degree in English Literature (2nd Upper Class) and as one of the Top 5 students in my class. How did a Dud suddenly become a Degree Holder?
God.
Bad relationship ends (THANK GOD!) and I sink into depression; the crippling kind that makes you open your eyes and realize your body cannot move. Simple acts like brushing the teeth or trying to talk became impossible. As I lay there I thought, is this what my life is going to be like? Bed-ridden with depression?
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